In the beginning
In the beginning one of the first things my guardian angel put on paper was a drawing of a heart; from the centre of the heart he drew a rose as though it was growing out from the heart. Then gently and still to my great astonishment he introduced himself as my guardian angel, Daniel. He left me bewildered but with great joy at the same time. I was so happy that I was almost flying around the house, my feet barely touching the ground and I was repeating loudly: “I am the luckiest person on earth, and I am probably the only person on earth who could communicate in such a way with her angel!”
The following day my angel returned to me as before. I spent endless joyful hours communicating with him. Again, the next day he returned, but this time, to my great surprise, he brought with him a multitude of angels of different choirs. I felt that the gates of heaven were suddenly wide open because I could easily sense this great movement of angels from above. They all appeared excited and happy, just like when someone is expecting something wonderful to happen. From the way they rejoiced, I understood that heaven was having a feast and they were celebrating. Then, the angels all together sang in one voice these words: “A happy event is about to come!” I knew that whatever that event would be, it concerned me directly, but, although I tried hard to guess, I could not tell what it was. This chorus was sung all day long, with the same words and only a few minutes of silence in between this chorus. Every time heaven opened, the angels repeated the same chorus.
The first words my angel pronounced about God were the following: “God is near you and loves you.” I must have wounded the Lord very much this minute, because His words had no effect on me whatsoever. When my angel pronounced these words about God, I remember that I thought it was a normal thing for an angel to say, since angels lived near God. I did not reply and my angel did not add anything more.
Only a few days later, my angel suddenly changed attitude with me and I noticed how very grave he became. In a very solemn voice he asked me to read The Word. I pretended I did not know what The Word meant and asked him the meaning of it. With this, my angel became even more grave telling me that I knew very well what he meant, nevertheless, he told me that it was the Holy Bible. I already had my answer on my tongue and told him I did not have one at home. He said that he knew that I did not have one. He asked me to go and fetch one. Arguing still with him, I said that he was asking me the impossible, because in a Moslem country in which I lived then, (Bangladesh), the bookstores did not sell Bibles. He said that I should go immediately to the American School, where my son went, and fetch one from their library. I was debating whether to go or simply stay at home and refuse. The other thing that was embarrassing me was how would my husband and all my friends react to all this. I simply could not see myself standing in front of them with a Bible! Already I was thinking of places in the house where I would hide it, were I to bring one home. But seeing again the grave look on my angel’s face I decided to obey him. So I went to the school and saw several Bibles on the shelves. I chose one and brought it home. I opened it to read, just as my angel had asked me to do. My eyes fell on the psalms: I read, but could not understand a single word. This was a sign from God, showing me how blind I was.
My angel came back to me still very grave and reproached me for certain acts I had done in my lifetime that displeased God very much. Then he reproached me of how I had thrown at God’s Face His gifts, gifts that He had given me but that I had not appreciated at all. With this he started to remind me and show me the sins I had never confessed. He showed them to me as on a screen. He reminded me of the event and of how much it offended God. But the most severe reproaches I received were about the rejection of God’s gifts. My angel told me that it was a great offence to God to deny and throw away His gifts. He made me see my sins with the eyes of God, the way God sees them and not the way we see them. They were so monstrous that I despised myself while weeping bitterly. This state I was put in was, I understood later on, a grace from God so that I would repent sincerely. I was shown my sins so crystal clear, exposing the interior of my soul so openly, that it was as if I was turned inside out. I suddenly realized how Adam and Eve must have felt after they had sinned, when God approached them in His Light, facing them. My soul was uncovered and at display; it felt naked, loathsome and ugly. I could only tell my angel between my sobs that I do not deserve a decent death, and that being like I am, so utterly wicked, I should die and be cut into small pieces and thrown away to the hyenas.
This purification must have gone on for almost a week. It felt like fire, a cleansing fire purifying the interior of my soul, and it was a very painful experience indeed.
The Our Father Taught by Our Creator
After this experience that had left me shattered, God our Eternal Father revealed Himself to me. I did not see Him with the eyes of my soul, as I used to see my angel, but I knew it was Him and heard Him. I remember that my reaction was one like, “Ah, it is God and He can help us now!” This is why He asked me, “Do you really believe I can help you?” And I answered Him, “Yes!” then I remember going near the window saying to Him, “Look! Look how the world has become!” I wanted to show Him how the world had become. God did not comment but asked me to pray to Him the Our Father. I prayed to Him the Our Father while He was with me, listening, and when I finished He said that He was not pleased with the way I said it because I prayed it too fast. So I repeated it all over again to Him but slower. Again He told me that He was not pleased because I was moving. He asked me to pray it again. I prayed it again and in the end God said that it was not satisfying Him still. I prayed it several times but every time He said He was not pleased. I started to wonder, I started to wonder whether He was making me pray all the Our Fathers that I had not been praying all these years in one single day! I had started in the morning and now it was night. Suddenly He was satisfied, for every sentence I pronounced, He said, “Good!”, with delight. I will try to give an example to explain what really happened:
If you were visited one day by a relative you had never met before because he lived in another country; in the beginning of your encounter you might tend to feel distant to him and maybe formal. But the more time would go by during that day you would seem to feel closer to him than in the very beginning, and so by the end of that day you would notice that a sympathy developed in you that was not there before.
And this is how it was with my first encounter with God. When I was praying the Our Father, to God, in the beginning I was distant, but His visit which lasted the whole day changed me because when I was saying this prayer to Him, I was enjoying His presence and the words I was telling Him took some meaning. He was so fatherly, very tender and very warm. The intonation of His Voice was making me feel so much at ease, that somehow, during that day, instead of responding, “Yes Lord,” I found myself saying, “Yes, Dad.” I had later on apologized to God for saying, “Dad,” but He said that He had taken that word like a jewel. He seemed so very pleased. And that is how finally I realized that God had feelings and that He wanted me to tell Him this prayer with MY HEART.
Before I come into this paragraph I would like to write what Father Marie-Eugene says in his book, “I am a Daughter of the Church” about demoniac attacks.
“What is at stake in this encounter between the human and the divine, the purity of God and the soul’s impurity, is too important for the devil not to intervene in it with all the power at his disposal. Yet a little while and the soul purified by the dark night will be secure against his attacks and will be to him a terrible thing. Hence the devil makes use of the advantages he still possesses over it because of its imperfections and its attachments to the sensible. Saint John of the Cross notes that ‘the evil one takes his stand, with great cunning, on the road which leads from sense to spirit.”‘ (Living Flame, st.iii; Peers, HI, 83)
“The darkness of these regions, the soul’s disarray, disconcerted as it is by the newness of its experiences and the intensity of its suffering, create conditions particularly favourable to the interventions of the prince of darkness and of lies.”
“By certain exterior signs of calm and of deep silence in the senses, the devil easily guesses that the soul is receiving divine communications. Our mystical doctor says:
‘Of those favours which come through a good angel God habitually allows the enemy to have knowledge: partly so that he may do that which he can against them according to the measure of justice, and that thus he may not be able to allege with truth that no opportunity is given him for conquering the soul, as he said concerning Job (Dark Night, Bk. II, xxiii; Peers, 1,449)
“Such are the facts in the problem of the dark night of the spirit, and the causes that produce it. This night is an encounter, or rather a real combat, organized by loving Wisdom. God establishes His perfect reign in the soul only after taking away its unfitness for the divine and conquering all the forces of evil that have any power over it.”
This was so that the reader would understand better why God allows Satan to intervene.
Just after this delightful day I had spent with our Father in Heaven, all the fury of hell broke out! In a very savage way Satan attacked me. The first thing I heard from him sounded more like the growl of a wild animal than a voice. That growl seemed to say, “GOOOO!” I guessed that “Go” meant that I should stop having communications with my angel and with God. All distressed I turned around in search of my angel, but Satan seemed to have taken all the space and with great hatred began to call me all sorts of names. He produced such anguish and such terror in my soul that I could have died had it not been that God had a plan for me. I never sensed such fury before. I ordered him to go away and this seemed to raise his fury even more. It was like the fury of a madman. Fuming with rage and like someone out of his mind he growled, his voice was very hoarse when he said: “EH? withdraw from here you b…, withdraw, or else, fire in hell does the rest!” I heard myself answering him: “No!” With my “No” I meant that I will NOT LEAVE the presence of God nor my angel. Then he snapped back that I was cursed and called me all sorts of dirty names.
It is difficult to explain this anguish the devil can infuse in the soul. This phenomenon that occurs is something that although your logic tells you you’re not mad, you yourself yet cannot control. This anguish used to come in waves, as if Satan himself were not enough, he sent other demons too to attack me. When they used to attack me it was something frightening growing within me, nothing to do with exterior fear. It was a feeling I was unable to push away.
My poor angel, in these terrible moments, moments that made me believe sometimes I would lose my mind, could only tell me one word, “PRAY!” I prayed and begged my angel to help me come out of this experience, for it seemed to last forever.
The Battle Between My Angel and Satan
As though it was not enough to be tormented in the daytime, Satan came too at nighttime. He would not let me sleep. Every time I was about to fall asleep, he would try to suffocate me. I sometimes would feel him like an eagle who would put his claws inside my stomach, and squeeze all the breath out of me. I felt the battle around me, I felt how I was in the middle of this battle, between my angel and the devil. Then one day, as if nothing had happened, everything ceased. Satan abandoned his attacks and I had a few days peace. All this experience left me rather weak, but more attached than ever before to my angel.
In my eyes my guardian angel began to be everything, and he filled my life. I clung to him for dear life so to say. I realized how much our guardian angels protected us, loved us, cared for us, guarded us, cried for us, prayed for us, suffered with us and shared everything with us. Sorrows and joys were shared.
To the horror of the devil, since he guessed what God had in store for me, he came back into the scene. Cunning as he is, this time he changed strategy. He used the classical way to deceive me and appeared to me like my angel. He attached a great importance on how to portray God to me. His aim, since he guessed that God would approach me for a mission, was to make me fear God in the wrong way, so that when God’s time came to communicate with me, I would run away from Him.
I admit that in the beginning he managed to deceive me and I believed what he said about God, because he used my ignorance to feed my brain with a false image of God. He portrayed God to me as a fearful judge, with little tolerance for His creatures, and that with the slightest error on our part, He would punish us in a terrible way. This went on for a few days.
I came to the stage where I could not discern who was who. I could not tell if I was with my angel or if it was the evil one aping my angel. I had nobody to turn to for consulting or take advice from either. I was quite alone. I also did not want to share this with my husband, for fear of upsetting him. Satan believing he had now the upper hand, started to tighten the knot, by showing signs of evil, wickedness, confusing me. To make things worse, every day that went by, he brought more and more demons with him, to invade me, making it very difficult for my guardian angel to protect me. God allowed me to overhear the devil once, while he was giving orders to his angels to go and attack and paralyse me. These fallen angels surrounded me, mocked me, lied to me and called me all sorts of dirty names. They also nick-named me “Pia” but with mockery. God allowed all this to happen, for this too was another way that He made use of, to purify my soul.
My Purification Continues
A few days passed and suddenly my angel asked me to go to the seminary to find a priest and show him the messages. I did exactly as he told me. But I was very disappointed. I had great expectations and what I got was a blow. The priest thought I was going through a psychological crisis and believed I was on the verge of schizophrenia. He wanted to examine both my hands. He took both my hands and analyzed them. I knew what he had in mind, he was trying to find traces of any sort of abnormality in my hands as in certain mental cases. He believed that now God had given him this heavy cross, that was me, to carry. He pitied me and asked me to come anytime to see him. I went every second or third day to visit him. I did not like going to him because he treated me as a mental case in the beginning. This went on for about three or four months. The only reason why I persevered in visiting him was so that I should prove to him I was not mental. Finally after some time he realized that I was sane. One day he even said that what I had might be a charisma from God.
My guardian angel in the meantime was leading me towards God, and one of the first lessons that he gave me was on discernment. These teachings on discernment infuriated the devil even more because it meant that even though he would appear like the angel of light, I would know the difference.
My angel told me that Jesus will approach me and that his mission (my angel’s) was coming towards its end. When I heard this news I was sad. I did not want my angel to leave me. He tried to reason with me explaining that he was only God’s servant and that now I should turn towards God. He tried to explain that his mission with me was to take me to God and hand me safely over to Him. But this was all the more painful for me. I could not bear the idea that from one day to the other I would not communicate with my angel.
As my angel Daniel foretold to me, one day Jesus came in his place. When He revealed Himself to me, He asked me, “Which house is more important, your house or My House?” I answered Him, “Your House.” I felt Him happy with my reply, He blessed me and left.
Again, instead of my angel, the Lord came to me, and said, “It is I,” and when He saw I was hesitating, He said clearly, “It is I, God.” But instead of rejoicing I was unhappy. I was missing terribly my angel. I loved my angel deeply and the mere thought that he would not come again because his place would be taken by God was disturbing me. I would like to mention here, what the Lord told me regarding the love I had for my angel. He said that no one ever loved his angel as much as I have, and He hoped to say one day to me these words: “No man ever loved Me in your era as much as you have.”
Now my angel kept in the background. God asked me, “Do you love Me?” I said I did. He did not blame me for not loving Him enough, but instead He said very gently, “Love Me more.”
The other time the Lord revealed Himself to me He told me, “Revive My House,” and again, “Renew My House.” I could not remember replying, but I knew that what He was asking me was impossible.
The following days were visits either by my angel or Jesus, sometimes both at the same time. My angel was preaching to me, he was asking me to make peace with God. When he asked me that, I was very surprised, and I told him that I was not at war with God, so how was I to make peace with Him?
God asked me again to love Him. He asked me to become intimate with Him as I was with my angel, meaning to speak freely to Him, but I could not. I still felt Him as a stranger and not as a friend. My angel was reminding me that he was just God’s servant and that I should love God and glorify Him. The more he was pushing me towards God, the more I was panicking for fear that he would leave me. He was telling me to abandon myself to God, but I was not doing it.
Meanwhile Satan had not given up, he still hoped to get me in my weak state. I was allowed by God once or twice to hear a conversation between Jesus and Satan. Satan was asking from Him to put me to the test. He said to Jesus: “We will see about your Vassula…your dear Vassula will not keep faithful to You, she will fall and for good this time, I can prove it to You in the days of her trials.” And so Satan was allowed again to place on me all sorts of temptations. Incredible temptations! Every time I realized that it was a temptation and I overcame it, he put in my way yet another bigger temptation. Temptations that had I succumbed to them, my soul would be bound for hell. Then his attacks started all over again. He splashed boiling oil on my mid-finger where I place the pencil to write. Immediately the blister appeared and I had to dress it to be able to hold the pencil when I was writing. The devil was trying once more and ever so hard to stop me from communicating with God and from writing. I wrote with great pain. Each time my finger healed, he repeated the same thing over and over again, and so for weeks I wrote, but not without suffering.
When my family and I went on a holiday to Thailand, we went in a boat to visit an island. On the way back as soon as we were pulling in, the boat shook and I lost my balance. So that I do not fall I grabbed the first thing in sight and it was the exhaust pipe of the boat, burning hot. I burned the whole palm of my right hand. My first thought was “How am I to write?” My hand swelled, was red and very painful. We were half an hour from the hotel but by the time we arrived there all the swelling and pain had left me. I had no sign of burning. The Lord told me later on that He had not allowed Satan to go as far as this, and so He healed my hand. The devil tried another way to stop me from writing. He appeared to my son, (he was ten years old then), in his dream. He took the shape of an old man and told him while sitting near his bed, “You’d better tell your mother to stop writing, and if she does not, I shall do to you the same thing I had done to her when she was young. I shall come while you are lying in bed, pull your head back and strangle you.”
This was what I experienced when I was maybe six years old. I had seen one night right in front of me, while I was in bed, just above my throat, two terribly ugly hands of an old man. The next thing I knew was that something pulled my head backwards, exposing my throat. Then nothing. But this left me trembling.
Satan had hounded me from my early age, for almost every night at about the age of six, he appeared to me in dreams to terrify me, taking the shape of a big black dog. It was always the same dream. I would be walking in a dimmed corridor and there at the end would be this dog snarling, ready to jump on me and tear me to pieces, and I would flee terrified.
When I was about 10, I saw Jesus in my dream. He was at the end of some sort of corridor. I only saw His portrait. I saw Him only all the way to His waist. He was smiling and saying, “Come, come to Me.” I was suddenly seized by an unknown current that drew me closer and closer to Him. I was afraid of this unknown current and Jesus realized my fear, smiling at me. This current drew me all the way to Jesus until my face stuck on His face.
At about twelve years of age too, I had another mystical experience. It was my spiritual marriage to Jesus. Again in a dream, I was dressed as a bride and my spouse was Jesus. Only I could not see Him but I knew He was there. The people who were present were greeting us cheerfully with palm leaves in their hands. We were supposed to walk the nuptial walk. Just after the marriage was over, I stepped in a room. There was our Blessed Mother with St. Mary Magdalene and two other holy women. Our Blessed Mother was very happy and came to embrace me. She started immediately to fix my dress again and my hair and I realized that She wanted me to be presentable for Her Son.
Satan Continues with Different Attacks
The devil knew what a horror I have for cockroaches. I hate to write this, but I feel I must, to show how the devil fought me. One day while going out of a room, I shut the door. I suddenly felt on my face a wet liquid that was sprinkled on me. I could not understand where it came from. I heard suddenly Satan laughing and he mockingly said to me: “This is the way I baptize. This is the kind of holy water you deserve!” Then I saw what had happened. I had squashed at the frame of the door a big cockroach…I could have died there and then from my disgust! I do not like writing so much about Satan’s attacks, but I would like to show how much he fought me to prevent this message from coming out and prevent me from the mission the Lord was preparing for me.
One day he decided again to change strategy. To deceive me, he took the exact image of my deceased father. Even the manner he spoke to me was the same. A perfect imitation. He spoke to me in French as my father now and then did and said: “My dear, look…God, out of pity is sending me to you to tell you that you are wrong. How could you believe that He communicates with you in this way? These things are, as you know, impossible, and you are only offending and angering God. Think…God speaking to you? Where did you ever hear of such a thing before? Only madness can lead you to believe such a thing!” I asked, “Well what about my angel, with angels is it possible?” When he said, “Oh that one…” his voice was filled with hatred and I recognized Satan once more.
The Desert, Then the Total Surrender
That is why I am going to seduce her and lead her out into the wilderness and speak to her heart. (Ho 2:16)
Now God wanted me to surrender fully to Him. He wanted to unite me to Him and make me His. He wanted to mould me and transform me. I was not surrendering according to His desire and so I had to undergo another sort of purification for my total abandonment to God so that I make peace with Him. This is what happened: I called to God and to my surprise I had no response. I panicked and turned around to look for my angel, but he was not there either. Instead, I felt a few souls around me, they came like beggars, approaching me.1 They begged me for prayers, blessings and for holy water. I went to the church immediately and brought with me holy water for them. They asked me to sprinkle it on them and so I did. This gesture attracted even more souls and in no time I had around me a big crowd. To my surprise it seemed to relieve them from their pains and their joy was great. One of them asked me to pray for him there and then and give him just one blessing. I did not know how, so he told me to just pray a simple prayer and bless him. I prayed as he asked me and blessed him. He thanked me with joy and he himself blessed me too. All this was new to me, but I felt that they were relieved and pleased. I took the opportunity to ask them whether they knew where my angel was, the one whom my heart already had begun to love. But I did not get any answer.
Every day that went by in this loneliness seemed like a year. I was looking for peace and I could not find it. I was surrounded by many friends and people but I never felt so lonely and abandoned as that time. I felt as though I was going through hell. Many a time I cried out for my angel to return to me, but no, he had vanished! My soul failed at his flight. I sought him but I did not find him, I called to him but he did not answer. I roamed for three whole weeks in the desert, more dead than alive, until I could not bear it any longer and in this terrible night that my soul was going through I cried out tearfully with all my heart and as never before to Yahweh: “FATHER!!… where are You?…Father?…Why did You leave me? O God, take me! Take me and use me as You wish!…Purify me so that You are able to use me!”
With this piercing cry that came from the depths of my heart, heaven suddenly opened and like thunder the Father’s voice, full of emotion cried back to me: “I GOD LOVE YOU!” These words were like a balm pouring on those impressive wounds my soul received and they healed me instantly. I felt in those words uttered by God His Infinite Love.
Just after these words of love, it seemed to me as though I dropped out of a tornado into a beautiful peaceful garden. My angel reappeared and with great tenderness began to dress my wounds, those wounds I received while crossing by night this endless desert. Yahweh then asked me to open the Bible and read. The first passage I read brought me to tears and converted me, for it revealed to me in an amazing way the Heart of God. I read in Exodus 22:25, 26 these words:
If you take another’s cloak as a pledge, you must give it back to him before sunset. It is all the covering he has; it is the cloak he wraps his body in; what else would he sleep in? If he cries to me, I will listen, for I am full of pity.”
God did not explain to me immediately what happened in these three weeks for His own reasons but much later, on December 22, 1990, He gave me this explanation, here are His own words:
My Heart, an Abyss of Love cried out for you; you had accumulated sorrow upon sorrow in My Heart, treason upon treason; you were wrestling with Me, puny little creature … but I knew that your heart is not a divided heart and that once I conquer your heart, it would become entirely Mine; an object of your era, you were wrestling with Me, but I have thrown you down in the wrestle and dragged you in the dust and into the desert where I left you there all alone;
I had provided you with a guardian angel, since the beginning of your existence, to guard you, console you and guide you, but My Wisdom ordered your guardian angel to leave you and to let you face the desert on your own; I said: “you are to live in spite of your nakedness!”2 because no man is able to survive alone;3 Satan would have taken over completely and would have killed you; My order was given to him too; I forbade him to touch you then, in your terror you remembered Me and looked up in Heaven searching desperately for Me; your laments and your supplications suddenly broke the deathly stillness surrounding you and your terrified cries pierced through the heavens reaching the Holy Trinity’s Ears …
“My child!” the Father’s Voice, full of joy resounded through all Heaven, “Ah … I shall now make her penetrate My Wounds4 and let her eat My Body and drink My Blood, I shall espouse her to Me and she will be Mine for eternity I shall show her the Love I have for her and her lips from thereon shall thirst for Me and her heart shall be My Head-rest; she shall eagerly submit daily to My Righteousness, I shall make her an altar of My Love and of My Passion; I, and I only shall be her only Love and Passion; and I shall send her with My Message to the ends of the world to conquer an irreligious people, and to a people who are not even her own; and voluntarily she will carry My Cross of Peace and Love taking the road to Calvary”
“And I, the Holy Spirit shall descend upon her to reveal to her the Truth and the depths of Us;5 I shall remind the world, through her, that the greatest of all the gifts is: LOVE “
“let Us6 then celebrate! let all Heaven celebrate!”
God gave me a vision to better understand the situation. He made me understand why Satan was so aggressive with me. So long as I was not fully converted, the devil did not disturb me and felt content. He did not show any aggression. But the moment he felt I was turning towards God, and he would lose me, he attacked my soul.
This was the vision: I saw myself standing in a room and I saw a snake (Satan) crawling. Apparently that snake was my pet. But as I had lost interest in it, I stopped feeding it. Hungry and astonished it came out of its hole to look for food. I watched it going towards its dish and there it found a couple of grapes. The snake swallowed them but it did not seem satisfied. So it crawled towards the kitchen in search of food. In the meantime, it started to sense that I had changed my feeling towards it and that now I had become its enemy instead of its friend. Because of that, I knew it would try to kill me. I feared, but just then, my guardian angel appeared asking me if I had any problem. I told him about the snake. He told me that he would take care of it. I hesitated whether I should join in the battle or not, and I decided that I should join my angel and do the work together. My angel took a broom and opened a door which led outside, then went to the snake and frightened it away. He then slammed the door shut and we watched from the window how the snake reacted. It panicked. We saw it heading back again towards the door. But the door was safely shut. It went speeding down the staircase and out into the street. The minute it slithered out, it transformed into a huge ugly toad and again into an evil spirit. The alarm was given and the people out there caught it and tied it up.
The Priest Condemns the Messages
I had been going regularly to the seminary to meet with the priest. One day he asked me to see this phenomenon when I was communicating with heaven, and when my communication started, he came over to me and touched my hand to see if he could stop me. He immediately felt a sort of tingling current penetrating into his arm. He did not tell me anything, but later on, since this electric feeling still was with him all afternoon, he went to tell another priest in the seminary what he experienced. The other priest knew about me. When he told him of the incident, he classified it as diabolical rather than Divine and asked him to bring me to him.
He sprinkled his room with holy water, the chair I was to sit on, the desk, the paper and the pencil he would let me use. I went there and he asked me to call “whatever” I was communicating with and ask “it” to write “Glory be to the Father, to the Son and to the Holy Spirit” I prayed and asked God to write this for me. And He did, but with such power that the pencil broke and I had to complete it with a pen. The priest was furious and also very frightened. He started to tell me all about Satanism, evil, magic, and dumb spirits and that the spirit I was communicating with was not Divine, but a dumb spirit. He filled my head with terror. When I got up to leave he said that I should not come anymore to the seminary and the church unless I stopped writing, at least for some time; and that I should also leave alone the other priest. He gave me three prayers to recite daily, (Saint Michael’s, the Memorare of Saint Bernard, and a novena to the Sacred Heart of Jesus). He also gave me a rosary in my hand.
Shattered, I went to the first priest who, at least, was more gentle and I told him what happened. I said that he did not like me visiting him, and that these visits should stop. He looked down, bent his head on one side and did not answer. With this I knew he agreed. I clearly saw and understood that by not visiting him, he would be relieved instantly from a huge cross. I knew I was a persona non grata, so I got up and cried out to him: “You will never see me again in your premises, not until I feel welcomed!” And so I left, thinking I was leaving the Catholic premises for good.
I went back home and wept my eyes out. My angel came to console me, caressing my brow. I lamented to God, “I am confused and my soul is grieving beyond anyone’s imagination. I do not know anymore. You say it is You and my heart feels and knows it is You, but he says it is the devil. If it is You, then I want this priest to say and admit one day that my communications are Divine, and I will believe! God simply said, “I will bend him….”
The angel was very tender with me. He dressed my spiritual wounds very gently. I prayed every day the prayers the priest gave me and did exactly what he asked me to do. I stopped using the charism God had given me and I avoided writing. Since I was living in a Moslem country, I bought a Koran to study and compare it with our Holy Bible. One day when I was taking notes, to my surprise our Heavenly Father approached me. His mere presence filled me with an inexplicable joy and He said to me: “I God love you, daughter, remember always this. Yahweh is My Name.”
And while I was holding the pencil, He used my hand to write it on my notepaper. A little later on, He descended near me and again He came and said, while using my hand: “I God love you. Vassula, remember always this. I it is who am guiding you. Yahweh is My Name.” This was so touching that I broke into tears. I was like a prisoner, forbidden to talk to my Father, forbidden to have any sort of communications with heaven, forbidden to use the charism that God Himself had given me, and forbidden to use this way to approach My Father in heaven. In all these prohibitions, who comes to visit me in “prison”? The One who loves me most! The most Tender Father, the One who holds the whole universe in the palm of His Hand, to show me His affection and His love.
Persecutions from the Priest
The priest, though, did not give up. He wrote letters to me to tell me that all that I had was a mass of rubbish and that I should just look at myself and understand that such a grace would never be given to me. Previously he said such graces were for people who worked for God, similar to Mother Teresa or the like, and with a gesture of his hand, showed me his books on the shelves. Then he tried to frighten me saying it was diabolical, so that I would abandon the writings. He partly managed, for every time after that, when God approached me, I chased Him away. I could barely accept my angel. If I heard from God these words “I, Yahweh love you,” I would pretend I heard nothing and would not allow this to be written. If Jesus approached me and told me, “Peace My child” I would turn away from Him and chase Him away, taking Him for the evil one. The priest managed to put in my head that God cannot communicate with a person like me because God goes only to saintly people. I would sometimes become quite aggressive when Jesus would come and speak to me, thinking it was the devil. I would fiercely chase Him away, over and over again.
In the end Wisdom found a way. My angel came telling me that he had a message from Jesus and would tell it to me. He became the go-between. This was a way I could accept, but not always, for I still was under the influence of the priests’ words. How and why would the Holy One’s Eyes turn and look at a contemptible soul such as mine, let alone speak to me! How could I have believed that God, the Almighty, would speak and communicate in such a simple way with me! In my life I had never heard this. Yes, only in the Holy Bible, with people like Moses, Abraham and the prophets, but this was another story and other times. A fairy-tale, that’s what it was, an illusion, my mind reeled because I knew it was happening and I was not mad! Slowly and with time only, these wounds I received from the priests started to heal.
My angel gave me so much peace, preaching to me every single day for hours. Now and then he would leave space for Jesus to quote His Divine words. The first time this happened, I was about to erase the words, since I had allowed myself to write them down. The angel intervened asking me to understand and leave these words since they were truly from Jesus. The words were, “I, Jesus, love you.” These were the first written words from Jesus after the crisis. They were written on the 20th of June 1986. Slowly, slowly, step by step and ever so gently, Jesus again made His approach to me.
On the 9th of July 1986, 7 God said, “I God love you.” My angel, immediately noticing my hesitation, asked me to keep these words saying that every word was given by God, and that God was near me. The next direct message from God was in July 1986.7 The message was: “I have fed you, (spiritually), I came to give the food to you. Please help the others by giving them this food too. Flourish them, leading them to Me. I fed you, flourished you, fragranced you. Feed the others too. Help them and lead them to Me. I have given you Love, so follow Me. I have favoured you by giving you this food. Give it to the others too, to delight on it“
Then again, the 31st of July 1986,7 this time Jesus came as the Sacred Heart and said to me: “In the middle of My Heart, have a place, My beloved. There you will live.” On the 7th of August 1986,7 the Father once more spoke to me giving me this message: “I God bind you with Me.” Fearing, I asked Him very sharply because I was suspicious, that He name Himself. He answered, “Yahweh.” I was filled with joy and love and already I had a burning in my soul from the yearning I had for Him. I said: “I love you Eternal Father.” He replied, “Love Me, praise Me, your God, I am your Eternal Father.” I asked Him then: “Do you feel my happiness, my anguishes, my fears, my love, my confusions?” He replied, “Yes.” Then I said: “In that case you know how I feel right now. You understand me fully,” and He said with great tenderness: “Yes, I do, My beloved.“
This again was my first communication for a long time after the rejection I had (out of fear). God went on, since He knew that I was wondering why He speaks to me. He said, “God loves you all, these messages are just a reminder, to remind you how your foundations began; deliver My message.”
The very first messages I received were very short, as I explained in the beginning. They sounded more like telegrams than messages.
In the meantime, in spite of everything, I had not lost contact with the priests. But I had stopped talking about the messages to the one who had condemned them and had given me so much suffering. However, after some time, I decided to tell him that I was still receiving messages and writing them. So I showed him the notebooks instead of loose papers as before. I used any plain paper I could write on, but when the time came to start my mission, the Holy Spirit inspired me to open notebooks and number them.
I remember inviting the priest to my house so that I could tell him that I was still communicating with God. I thought I should inform him. I told him and he did not like it very much, but he asked me to show him the notebooks. I gave them to him to keep for a day. The next day I received a very harsh letter from him, telling me to burn all my notebooks and to go and tell all my friends who were reading them to forget everything. Somehow, I recognized Satan’s harshness. I told my friends what he said, and they were very cross with him. I visited the priest and told him of their reaction. I took my notebooks away from him. He said that God is probably very angry with me now and that He abandoned me to my fate. He said that God was patient once or twice, but now, since I was not listening, He left me with the devil.
Already, the lessons of discernment from my angel were taking their effect and they became very useful to me in this particular moment. This time I could not be deceived. I answered the priest’s letter and told him that his God is not my God. For his God is a cruel God, quick to anger, impatient, intolerant and lacking love. His God forgives once or twice and then turns His back and throws the souls to hell if they do not listen, whereas the God I know of, the One who communicates with me daily, my God, is all love, infinitely patient, tolerant and tender. My God who speaks to me, and bends all the way from heaven, is meek, slow to anger, all merciful and envelops my soul with only love. My God who visits me every day in my room, the One whom he treats as the devil, surrounds my soul with peace and hope. My God nourishes me spiritually, augmenting my faith in Him. He teaches me spiritual things and reveals to me the Riches of His Heart.
After this he asked me to try once more for just a few days to stop writing to see what happened.
I allowed a few more days to pass without writing, as I had been asked by the priest. I prayed and asked again in my prayer, who was really guiding me in this special way? I had asked that if the messages were really from Him, then I would like Him to tell me and hear Him say these words: “I Yahweh am guiding you.” Nothing more. And this is what happened and God answered according to my prayer.
My communications continued and one day on December 15, 1986 God gave me this message: “Daughter, all Wisdom comes from Me. Do you want Wisdom?” Without realizing what God was offering me, I simply said “Yes” to Him. He then said that He would give me Wisdom but that I had to acquire Wisdom if I wanted Her. When He saw I was questioning myself on how to do this, He said that He is the Almighty and that He would teach me. I meditated on what God had offered me and the more I meditated the more I realized the tremendous Gift He was offering me. I realized too that I had not even thanked Him. So the following day I thanked Him and again He said that I would have to earn Wisdom, but He would help me and I should not get discouraged.
Do You Want To Serve Me?
The next thing I noticed was that Jesus was taking more and more the place of my angel. He came as the Sacred Heart. One day He surprised me by His question. He asked me if I wanted to serve Him, (for this mission). Fear overtook me and I hesitated. I did not allow this to be written like the rest of the other things. I was afraid that He might tell me to pack and leave my house to join a convent and become a nun. I was not ready and did not wish to do so either. My distrust disappointed Him, and His sadness did not escape me, since it was so obvious in the tone of His voice when He said these words, “I can abide in you in spite of your awesome weakness.” I was very unhappy, because I had disappointed Him; on the other hand I was afraid of the unknown. These are the exact words:
…”were you to serve Me, I would reveal in you nothing but passion.” I repeated, “passion,” without understanding, and He said, “yes, passion. Will…” I lifted my hand not to write it, but I heard it all.
The whole night I spent time thinking of this; then I decided to plunge into the unknown and surrender to His Will. So I came back to Him with His question. I asked Him, “Do you want me to serve You?”
I immediately felt His joy and He said,
“I do. I want it very much, Vassula. Come, I will show you how and where you can serve Me…work and serve Me as now, be as you are. I need servants who are able to serve Me where love is needed most. Work hard though, for where you are, you are among evil, unbelievers. You are in the vile depths of sin. You are going to serve your God where darkness prevails; you will have no rest. You will serve Me where every good is deformed into evil. Yes, serve Me among wretchedness, among wickedness and the iniquities of the world. Serve Me among Godless people, among those that mock Me, among those that pierce My Heart. Serve Me among My scourgers, among My condemners. Serve Me among those that recrucify Me and spit on Me. O Vassula, how I suffer! Come and console Me!…strive and suffer with Me, share My Cross…” (24th May 1987).
The teachings with God continued, and His communications were daily and to this day that I am writing, they are going on, for He said that His charism will stay with me up to my last day on earth.