I don’t need you, God

07 July 1999 16:06

Javier Lopez forwards this powerful testimony.

I DON’T NEED YOU, GOD

Hello, my name is Karen, and I am Irish. I would love to be able to talk to you all directly, as it is easier to express what is in your heart, but I have tried to write this in such a way that you might catch some of the feelings I will try to express to you.

I discovered my vocation June of last year. My life before that was
terrible. I lived totally immersed in the world. My life was fast,
going out, fast music, fast cars. I was very interested in cars and
rallys and I had a fast car. I used to love driving, as hard as it
could go with the music as loud as it could go. Most of my friends
took drugs. I never did, but I didn’t need to, because I drank the

equivalent to reach the same level.

Because of this lifestyle, I left myself totally open to the influence of the devil and ended up living some very bad experiences. I brought my soul to such dark places, that it was impossible to believe that God could ever retrieve it.

Because of this lifestyle I brought great suffering upon myself and in my grief, instead of turning to God I turned away. I thought that God could never forgive me for what I had done and so I got defensive and I said: ?I don’t need You God. I don’t need this this conscience which torments me?. I stopped going to Mass and severed ties with religious practices.

One weekend in June of last year, my mother asked me to go to a weekend retreat with her. I know now what made me go, but then I didn’t. In the end the only reason I did go, was because a friend of mine who has been rehabilitated from drugs and was searching for God was going. In my heart I hoped that God could help him.

One night, during Exposition of the Blessed Sacrament, the priest invited us to come up, one by one, and to ask Jesus for any healing we

might need in our lives. As I went up the tears came to my eyes, and
my heart started to pound in my chest. I said to myself: ?What’s
wrong with me? Nobody has hurt me, I don’t need healing?. I
realised it was my soul acknowledging the presence of Jesus. I
realised that it wasn’t a hurt done to me, but the hurt I had
inflicted on Jesus. At this I felt a grief so deep, I thought I
would die from it. I felt the hurt I had caused Jesus by my sin. I
cried tears that came from the bottom of a wounded soul. In my heart

I kept repeating: ?I am sorry, I am so sorry?.

I felt like I would physically collapse from the pain of this knowledge, but even though I felt this pain, I knew it was because Jesus loved me so much, and I felt a love you would never feel on this earth. If we truly realised how much Jesus loves each one of us, our hearts would break at the thought of hurting Him. After this I wanted to join a religious Order. I wanted to give my life to Jesus, the way He gave his for me. I said to God: ?If it is your wish for me to be a religious, show me the right Order, or if it’s marriage show me the right man?.

At this time I was finishing my final year in college. I did meet some one who I thought was the right man. After I finished college this June, he asked me to go to America with him to find a new life. I asked God what I should do, and certain circumstances convinced me I was supposed to go. But when I was there, I felt sad and empty. When I went to Mass I used to feel like crying, like I had lost a dear friend, a piece of my heart. One day I decided I had to go home to Ireland to find out what God wanted me to do.

I arrived home on the 26th of August, a Sunday. On the Monday I rang a woman I know and spoke to her of my thoughts and she told me to come to her house the following day to meet the Servant Brothers of the Home of the Mother. I met them and was invited to come to Spain. This I did on the 6th of September two weeks after arriving home from America.

When I was here the first couple of days, I hated it. I hated the countryside, the heat, the food, everything. I knew as soon as I could change my ticket, I was on the first plane home. Then one day in a Mass where two of the Sisters made their perpetual vows, Fr Raphael was speaking in the homily. He said:?You don’t choose God, God chooses you?. At these words I started to cry and I said, ?God why did you bring me here, what do you want from me?. I felt broken inside. Then he spoke to me and said: ?Until you lose your own will you can’t do Mine?.

He then showed me my heart as He sees it, and it was a heart so full of self love that there was no room for anything or anyone else. I sat there amazed at this revelation. I thought that giving up my parents, my country, my language were the hard things to give up, but no, it’s what’s in our hearts and our minds. After this I felt that a weight had been lifted from me and I knew that this was my home now.

I now know, that life in Jesus is the only Life. Anything outside of this is death. That this life on earth is but a minute in the eyes of Jesus, compared to what is prepared for those souls who lose themselves, so Jesus can find them. And where they will be in the presence of his love for all eternity. Thank you.